Memoirs of Paul

It has been so long since I have been able to truly sit down to update this blog. For a moment, I thought it was going to get lost as a distant memory of what I used to do. In fact, I remember my friend Dan telling me that most blogs go strong for a month and then the person stops writing when the second month comes along. This would seem to be the case with me except here I am again back at it. I will continue to update this as often as possible, hoping that will be every two weeks. So what has happened in the time elapsed since my last submission? So much!

Since the last post, I went through the toughest period of my life. But before we can get to the main story there has to be preface right? The preface to this story involves willingy choosing to not bring honor and praise to the King of Kings in everything I do specifically my school work. I failed two classes in Fall 2009. The tuition benefits of my Army ROTC scholarship were suspended which meant it was my responsibility to pay the $13,000 on my student bill. Additionally I had to take 24 credits(8 academic classes) while keeping up with my job as a youth pastor, the demands of my position as a senior in Army ROTC, guest speaking at churches, being in a Bible study, and trying enjoy my last semester in Wisconsin. All this had to be completed or the plans I had to graduate and commission as an Army officer in May 2010 in order to attend seminary at Criswell College Fall 2010 would be lost.

Many of my friends will attest, this is too much for one person to handle. The beautiful part is these burdens were not mine to carry. While I am willing to carry my cross for Christ, He carried it for me first so that I would have the strength to carry mine. Philipians 4:13 became so true in my heart during this time. And so the story begins.

At the beginning of the semester, I was in a state of deep despair. I saw no way out of this hole that I had dug. It was too much, too hard; impossible were the words I said. For the first time in about 9 years, I was ready to quit. I don't mean just give up school or my dreams but life. Thoughts of suicide plagued me daily or at best "There is no better time for Jesus to come back than now so that I wouldn't have to deal with this." But as I continued to be encouraged by my brothers and sisters in Christ and more so as I sought after God, I realized this was not too big for the Creator if this grand universe.

I struggled daily to accomplish this task. I had good days and dark days. It was the absolutely toughest time of my life, but I would not change it. So much scripture spoke to the deepest parts of my heart and Spirit through this semester. The very beginning of the first chapter of James was crucial in how the Lord spoke so directly to me.

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

In a time of intense lamenting over my situation, I finally got to the point that I said "Lord, Your will be done. If I graduate this semester or not, I don't care. I accept whatever happens because I know that your plan is best. I consider this pure joy, because I know you are going to grow me so much during this time period." In that moment I heard the Lord so clearly, "Just wait my son, I see the end. If you could only see what I see then you would chuckle with joy because it will all work out. You will look back and see what I did in you." At this moment, I knew it was all going to come together somehow, someway. Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."

It is now July, about 2 months and 12 days since I graduated college and accepted my commission as a brand new 2nd Lieutenant in the United States Army. The Lord used me in so many ways to encourage others, to help Him ignite a fire in others hearts, to see people come to Christ, to see others strengthened in their faith, and so much more! He taught me a new level of humility that I've long needed to learn. So true is the following statement: Everything that was accomplished this semester was ALL Him. None of it was me, purely the Holy Spirit using this broken vessel of a man.

I called this post memoirs of Paul, because I imagine Paul looking back at his life and evaluating all that was accomplished. He could have easily said that it was him who did those things. He could have boasted in himself but he did no such thing. In fact, he addresses this in Philipians 3.

2Watch out for those dogs, those men who do evil, those mutilators of the flesh. 3For it is we who are the circumcision, we who worship by the Spirit of God, who glory in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh— 4though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.

Paul was such an influential man of God, a great missionary, and servant of Gospel of Christ. Everything that "he" accomplished was the Lord's doing. None of it can be attributed to him, only to the King. In this semester, I attest that it was not me who accomplished so much but Christ crucified in me through the power of the Holy Spirit.